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Outside, there’d be moments: going to LGBT spaces and not feeling comfortable at contact; him being hit on by a group of girls on the Tube, and not acknowledging me; not even introducing you to their friends.” James was plagued by insecurity.
"[He set] the boundaries enough to let me think, hope, there's a chance, it just needs time; but there was always that nagging feeling, the dread it could end.”Out guys are likely to feel sympathy for the straight guy in these situations – they’ve been there – and it’s common for gay or bi men to believe those who don’t come out are not living a full life, even if the straight guy feels that’s not the case.
Although coming out is a huge part of your life as an LGBTQ person and can be a liberating experience, it’s not for everyone, and some men are rejecting this what you embrace their label but have sex with guys who don’t?
Does it mean their lovers are any less available to them because they won’t pick a side?
It also depends why the guy doesn’t want to label himself – there’s a big difference between eschewing norms as a form of self-expression and hiding who you are to manipulate the advantages available to you as a straight person.
James identifies as gay, but his first proper relationship was with a man who did not.
Bisexuality is historically as adventurous as many people’s imaginations would allow, and even then it’s either dismissed as “greed”, totally erased as a phase en route to a more established label – “fully gay” or “totally straight” usually the end result – or seen as a fetish, especially when it's straight guys gazing upon gay or bi women."He always said he wasn’t gay, but he didn’t believe in bisexuality, either, and he said it so many times over the years."Although gay pornography sells the idea that fun with your “straight mate” is the ultimate fantasy, the reality can be very different.Simon was 17 when his hitherto straight best friend made a move on him.Of course, nobody needs a label, but for gay and bi guys who worked hard to establish their identity, how does it feel when the man they’re sleeping with won’t do the same?It depends how things play out, whether it’s out in the open or “our little secret”.